Life Really Blows

Well, my fiancee just broke up with me. So, there's that. People keep asking if I'm okay and I find myself answering that I don't know. I feel...unbalanced. Like you know how in Jenga when the tower is about to fall and even though it's not visibly wobbling or leaning and at a glance it looks just fine but you can just tell it's about to fall? That's how I feel. I don't know what the falling action is in that metaphor. People seem to expect it to be wallow and cry but I don't think I'm the wallow type. I've only ever really done one breakup with someone I cared about and I was barely fifteen at the time. I'm 21 now so I seem to have lost the frame of reference.

Breakups fucking suck, I'd forgotten about that.

I also kinda forgot how much I truly fucking hate being single. I don't even know why. It's not like I think I need a relationship. I do just fine without a relationship and I fully know this. I just don't like it. Maybe there's some deep psychological thing behind this but I suspect there's a lot of people who just do not enjoy singleness and usually don't say so because apparently not wanting to be single makes you a loser.

I'm not very funny today. Sorry about that. My motivation seems to have died off a little. For everything. I don't even have the motivation to cry. I cried last night. I did still make my word count goal last night, and beat it by a thousand. I don't find myself particularly more creative when I'm sad, but maybe I just haven't been sad enough recently. Ever since I was thirteen, I've thought myself so self-aware, but pretty much every time I look back a year or so, I find myself going "wow, I did not know what I was doing at all." Based on my other friends I suspect there is no magical age at which this will cease but that at some point I'll start being responsible and maybe that's when I'll become a Real Adult Forever And Ever.

Which brings me to kids. I know my mother is going to dislike it when she reads this. My mother has some very solid, unwavering opinions about certain things. Perhaps this is an artifact of age, or perhaps we are simply very different people, but my opinions are more fluid, and they differ wildly from hers on some things. Anyway, I've always wanted kids young. Like, 25 but preferably earlier. 28 seems quite late to me. 30 would be terrible. And with Patrick (her arbitrary codename) I felt like that was well within reach. She wanted babies as much as I did and she was okay with letting me carry at least the first one. She was also okay with my names. I have names picked out for my baby girls I don't have yet: Morgan Gaia Isis, Magdalene Bredaia Eurydice, and Moria Elizabeth...something. It was going to be Caroline but honestly I agreed to that to placate Patrick, because I hate the name Caroline and she loves it so I agreed for the third name of our third daughter. Maybe my grandmother's name or my mom's name. Moria Elizabeth Catherine works (my mom's name is not Catherine, but it's close).

Anyway, while I have no doubt I'll find someone who's okay with my names, I doubt I'll find them in time to have kids early, and having kids on my own at 25 seems drastic. Maybe I should try dating dudes again. And this is where a chorus of friends who have seen this cycle before go "no, Carley, you really are a lesbian, and you're not going to find a stable, functioning relationship with someone you're not attracted to at the start. This is an abnormal, unhealthy relationship." I don't know if you guys can tell but those words are individually italicized. This seems much different from not being individually italicized, I don't know.

Well, there are words to write. I promised my friend I'd got to 50,000 words before she woke up, and I'm at 49,100 right now. Also, NaNoWriMo has officially eaten my dust. Sorry about all the emo...I'll try to be funny again soon.